Forest Through the Trees

It’s amazing how taking a step back shows you what you weren’t able to see when immersed.  I have spent the last 6 years of my life miserable and feeling like I lived in a hole.  I lost myself in exercise and yoga and tried and tried to be positive, but it felt like a facade.  Because it was.

It took literally losing EVERYTHING to understand that nothing will make me happy.  That people wont’ make me happy, money, hope won’t make me happy.  Since having this realization, I’ve never felt lighter or happier.

Buddhism says to live in the present.  That to live in the past is depression, and to live in the future is anxiety.  I totally agreed with this.  What I didn’t realize is that my constant insistance on having hope, was the same as living in the future.

It hit me the other day, that hope is hoping, and while it’s not a horrible thing, it keeps you from appreciating and loving what you have now.  I’ve decided to stop hoping.  Instead I will trust that with hard work and good living, I will have everything I need.  I will have faith in myself that I will make good choices.  But I will no longer waste time hoping for the future.

It took me stepping back from basically everything to see this.

But I’d never have seen this without being forced to sit and really think alone.  To organize my thoughts and decide what I needed in life.  I need my kids, my pets,  and my boyfriend.  Those three have shown me unconditional love.  I extrapolated this to everyone else in my life.  I realized, I’ve never had unconditional love.

Not the kind where I knew I couldn’t screw it up.  I realized this last year had been a huge learning curve for me, and that I felt safe enough to learn these lessons because my boyfriend held me together and supported me.  My kids listened, loved me and forgave my tantrums.  And my dogs forced me to go outside even when I didn’t want to.  My cat is great too, but her love is totally conditional upon me feeding her.  I fully believe she’d eat me if I forgot to fill her bowl daily.

But with these three main forces in my life (my kids are being grouped as one) I’ve been able to get through the hardest year of my life.  Through horrible advice from “well meaning” people.  Hurtful words from selfish people and unimaginable stress from narcassistic aholes who wanted to punish me for not being their emotional and verbal punching bag anymore.

But like I said earlier, while I needed unconditional love to show me these lessons, I HAD to learn to be unconditional with my self.  To set boundaries that allowed me to be happy and healthy, and immune to well meaning advice and hurtful words.  I wanted people to be kind to me, but I wasn’t being kind to myself, because I was allowing all these toxic things to hurt me, and giving everything I had to people who didn’t return in.

It’s still a work in progress.  But learning how to set up healthy boundaries and learning what unconditional love truly is is a huge step in the right direction.


When did I accept Crazy as Normal?

When did Crazy become Normal?

This blog used to state all the ways my ex wronged me, and how no one saw through his charm, and they blamed me as negative and blowing things out of proportion.  I realized this story was a way of keeping me in the victim role.  Yes, I had to write it.  I needed to see it all on paper.  But why hold on to it?  Why let that be the official story?  So I deleted it all.  It’s no longer the official story of my divorce.

What I learned is that I stick my head in the sand at the first sign of confrontation.  Self empowerment was something I could rally behind for others.  I was everyone else’s biggest fan. I was codependent.

I still am all these things, and that’s ok.  It’s what makes me, me. There is nothing wrong with any of it.  What is wrong is when I allow myself to become the victim in other people’s stories.  The abused martyr.

I knew I was sticking my head in the sand, I knew bad things were happening, and I knew I should stop them.  That’s on me.  I didn’t stop or speak up about any of it.  I let it happen.  Knowing that is owed.

I take responsibility for my inaction in every aspect of the demise of my marriage.  I take responsibility for not protecting myself in the divorce, because all I had to do was ask for help, it would have been given.  

Since getting out, I have been shown an unlimited amount of love and support.  I’ve been asked how someone like me could have allowed all that to happen, and I blamed the ex for being a bad person. I now want to change my answer to “I tried and tried and tried till I couldn’t, and then I tried again.  Yes, I made mistakes, but every single one led me to where I am now, and this is an awesome place to be.” 

I encourage you to do the same thing.  Take a look at your story and rewrite it in a way where you love where you are, and where you acknowledge every lesson and other as leading to this amazing space you are now inhabiting. 

Take the mask off your monster, pull back that curtain and be the badass you know you are. That miserable, cowering thing can’t hurt you.  And is likely just reacting from massive damage they’ve encountered in their life.  Be happy you don’t have to live in their space.  



Feung Shui Mind; find your authentic self

Feung Shui Your Inner Library

Have you ever noticed the happiest people aren’t “put together” and the most miserable people are?  I’ve been working on getting rid of stress. I’ve googled it, bought books, talked to people…  Every source says to de clutter. I don’t have clutter in my house, my house is always neat and tidy.  I’ve always know clutter brings stress so I’m vigilant in keeping my surroundings mindful.

All the items I have are meaningful and full of memories.  Yet, I was still experiencing stress.  Weird “bad luck” type stress.  I don’t necessarily believe in bad luck, but I do believe that there are different levels, like bus lines, and if you are bogged down you will be on the bad luck bus line.

Clutter, toxic relationships, negative feelings, all this can drag you to this dreaded line.  I began studying Buddhism and Feung Shui.  To maybe help me bring positivity to my life.

I then read something totally unrelated to feung shui.  It was saying how you need to revisit memories because when you are under stress you categorize them incorrectly.  It was like a light bulb went off.  I felt energized at the thoughts that started coming.

My thought is, what if we de clutter our mind? Make a conscious effort to visit memories, slowly, one at a time and really evaluate them.  It made the image of a mish mashed home library come to mind.  Memories, or in this scenario, books put in the shelves all haphazard.  Papers sticking out of books.  Books leaning awkwardly.  What if we went through our library, and de cluttered it.

At first it seemed easier to just shut the door to that room and actually clean my real life kitchen and re organize my clothes again.  But I realized.  I deserve the peace that will come with reorganizing my mental library will bring.

At first I had to really pry the memories out.  I had to dig. I had really locked some of them away.  It’s like going in to a library after an earthquake.  I’ve started reorganizing this and I can feel the stress melting away.

They didn’t come easy.  Some memories that I dismissed as nothing  were clearly catalysts for future events.

Others that seemed so huge at the time were clearly memories I just needed to throw away.  Like that McDonald’s receipt from the midnight snack I had three years ago and stuck in the book as a bookmark.  Just taking up space and making my library look unkempt.

The misplaced memories aren’t screaming to be found and the ones that were left to seem huge are nearly on the shelf.  I have a lot of work to do, but I really feel hopeful that if I consciously feung shui as I go I’ll have a much happier future.

I can feel my inner self come out.  It’s like I had shut my authentic self in to a little padded room to keep it safe.  I couldn’t handle the constant conditions and abuse so I shut it away.  Since I’ve started this decluttering project I have felt my authentic self come in to the light.  Stretch and blink it’s eyes.  It’s an amazing feeling.

I hope this blog helps others realize they can do it too.