Regret Nothing

I have a friend who enjoys rehashing my past imperfections.  She loves to delve in to how big of an ass my ex was and how I made a ton of bad decisions during the divorce and how, had I followed her advice things would be so much better.  She only does this when we are in group settings.  Always looking brilliant and like she could have saved me.  My excuses are made to seem weak, like I was.

Needless to say, I have backed away from this friend, and feel drained after every interaction.

I came to the realization today that all my decisions have led me to a very good place.  That I don’t regret trying and trying and always taking the high road.  I tried a civil divorce, and was lied and cheated out of some things, but the bottom line is that I’m out, and have everything that’s important to me.

I’ve vowed to myself that when this happens again, I’m going to tell her that those topics are closed and off limits.  That if she wants to rehash the past, to stick to hers.  I’m happy with my life and regret nothing.

That I’d rather spend as little energy and money as possible ruining others and as much as possible on bettering mine.

Knowledge vs Ignorance

Is ignorance bliss or is knowledge power?  As a huge fan of sticking my head in the sand, I used to think ignorance was the winner.  Lately, I’ve realized how wrong this is.

Sticking your head in the sand narrows your view, makes problems seem disproportionately bigger and makes you feel like the whole weight is on you.  Additionally, it allows a small mess to grow into a huge disaster.

I read an article about how prosperity follows energy, and water represents energy.  If thought of as a river, a small pebble won’t do anything, a boulder will just cause the water to change direction, but a dam can stop it in its tracks.  If stopped for long enough, the water becomes stagnant and devoid of life.  Eventually though, the water will over flow the dam.

I let my mind wander and realized I do this a lot.

In particular, I do this in relationships.  I let small problems build in to huge dams.

When doing this,believing in ignorance being bliss, you allow the dam builder to have control over placement and sturdiness.  This takes all control over your energy away from you, all because you don’t obtain the knowledge due to fear.

So take this chance to look at the things you’ve avoided.  Journaling, telling a friend a truth, asking for a raise, and do it.  If you want to stick your head in the sand, get on your boxing gloves and fight instead.

Time is Relative

My sister made a post yesterday about how it’s been 17 months since our mom died.   Since that time, she’s had a baby, lost a kidney to cancer and survived said cancer.  She was saying how it seems so long, yet really 17 months is nothing.

It feels like 3 lifetimes, yet I remember it like yesterday.

My daughter and I were talking about it.  Two years ago, I separated from my husband of 13 years.  We had dated for 4 years prior to marrying.  Looking back it feels like a different person contains those memories.

It’s exhausting to think about the spiral of emotions I’ve had since the separation.  The hope that we would reconcile, the realization it was broken, my moms death.  The information that comes out after a divorce.   A new baby, hearing my younger sister has cancer… And it could be hereditary. 

I have become a totally different person in the process.  More accurately, I found the person that had ceased to be a few years in to the marriage.

I’m working on not allowing my traumas these past couple years to take away my empathy for others.  It’s very simple  to say “at least you don’t have to deal with ……..).

I constantly remind myself that every persons battles are new for them.  That I don’t know every part of every story.

Of all the things I’ve lost, empathy is the one thing I will never let go of. Without empathy, I become a horrible person.

With that said, I have learned that judging others is the most destructive thing you can do to yourself.  It makes you more of a victim, more of a martyr, more of a jerk.

Instead, let your empathy strengthen you.  Let it help everyone to find the silver lining, or to know when nothing needs to be said and all that’s needed is a hug.

Subconscious

I’ve been doing a lot of work with my subconscious.  If you’ve read my other blogs, you’ll know why.  I definately want to block more of the same from coming in to my life.  I hit rock bottom and I’m bound and determined to build an amazing house on a sound foundation.

I’ve had a lot of syncronicity showing me how to do just that.   It’s started with feung shui.  I’ve always love decorating and organizing my spaces.  I’m one of the few people who actually enjoys moving and am willing to help friends move, as long as I can help decorate too.

As I was really studying feung shui principles and putting them into practice,  I started noticing  correlations between where I stored clutter in my physical space and where I had unhealthy views in my subconscious.

It was shortly after I made this connection that I read that the way your  subconscious works is through vizualization.  And that thinking is your logical mind, but your subconscious is reached through doing.  Folding laundry, doing dishes, running, whatever…

I started being more mindful of my space.  I realized I had mementos from my past relationship in areas of wealth and fame.  Oddly, as soon as I got rid of these items, I stopped having to defend myself against the ex’s tirades, and I became financially independent of him.

Your sunconscious sends vibes out to the universe.  It tells the universe what you want, what you are ready for and what you deserve.  Your logical mind thinks and is useful in some ways, but life comes from within you.

If you have unhealthy views, you will continually be handed trials to over come them and learn to grow out of these views. (I’m not talking about tragedy here…

**Horrible things happen for unknown reasons and I am not implying a little feung shui would have prevented it)  I’m talking about money seeming fleeting, or friends being gossipy, or boyfriends being flaky…that kind of thing.  I know my mom didn’t die becuse I had a trinket from my marriage in my family area.  **

Look at a feung shui Bagua map.  Then look at your living space.  Be very honest about the items you have in the parts you feel you are struggling with in life.  Then look inside and see if you aren’t holding the same clutter and trinkets from your past in those beliefs.

The act of consciously moving things and mindfully buying or gettig rid of things, really seemed to speak directly to the beliefs I held inside.   I was amazed and I think you will be too!

Money

I’m doing The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron.  We are on week 6, money.  Until I started this chapter I thought I had healthy views on money.  I thought working hard would result in compensation.  What shocked the crap out of me was the hidden ideas I had, the ones I held in my subconscious.

Doing the exercises made me realize that I equate money with unhappiness, and greed and unauthentic people.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think wealthy people are like this, or at least not all of them.  I just equate having money myself with all that.  Why do you ask?  Because that’s what I’ve been shown in my life.

I had to either be in control of the money and fight constantly with my ex, or give up control and have a peaceful life.. Granted that peaceful life cost me financially…. and I ended up losing the marriage also… thank God.

Years of this kind of conditioning left a mark on my subconscious.  No wonder no amount of feung shui, or OT or praying lead to the situation easing.  I subconsciously pushed away money and opportunities to make more.

I have just made this realization, and am working through journaling to get rid of this mark that’s undoubtedly holding me back.

Enough

Enough. Have you had enough!!?? Is it time to do a full rebuild?! This journey is for you alone. No one else. Not for recognition, kudos, money… It’s so you can be happy. If you are happy, those who love you will be happy. But this is about you flourishing.

Being authenticly yourself and vibrant will attract everything you need.   You will face set backs with positivity and they will turn out for the best and actually help you.

Be ready to feel and be told you are crazy. The road to sanity looks insane… To quote the artist ways Julia Cameron

This journey is about shedding excess, keeping only that which fuels your soul. Excess weight, clutter, toxicity, friends, stuff, anger. If it’s not serving you its holding you back.

I personally started with weight. I thought my husband was embarrassed of me. Losing 65 pounds made things worse, so being a codepender I looked inwards for the problem.

This took me down the rabbit hole. Along the way I realized the mad hatter was right. I had lost my muchiness. The path to finding it was long and painful and for a lot of it resembled complete failure.

But what I found at rock bottom was my true self. Hidden in a forgotten cabinet. From there the rebuild was fast and furious.

This will require new friends and boundaries that will be uncomfortable. You have become used to an unhealthy world so healthy will seem foreign and wrong. It’s amazing how crazy becomes normal and brainwashing happens without anyone noticing.

My only clue was people telling me things about me that I knew to be fundamentally wrong. Yet I still looked at myself to find these supposed inadequacies. What I found was the people I thought loved me only loved the version they had smashed into the form they wanted. The true me was what they labeled as unworthy.

This isn’t a one time cleanse that you will never do again. Nor will it happen over night You will constantly check in with yourself, or notice piles and feelings and have to work to sort them out. But this level of self awareness is what you are striving for. This is where you will find you, the you that you are in control of. And when you find this, you will notice you raise your boundaries to a point where others don’t affect your mood, and when they do, you know to take note and work through it.

If you notice that suddenly you are feeling taken advantage of them you can start prioritizing. Or if you notice you counters are cluttered, you can organize. This way it’s a constant flow of energy that is easily manageable instead of a sudden monumental task that seems insurmountable.

The Dance

My counselor suggested I read the Dance of Anger…. amazing book, totally think it is a book that we all have to read in high school.  It would make life SOOOO much easier.  It’s a break down of how to deal with difficult people.  It’s amazing and validated that I did things right, and then also gave me ideas to go further.

What I was able to do with this, is picture difficult people in my life doing an interprative dance.  Not a cool, inspired one… no… I’m imagining a certain person, in a nude unitard, with chest and back hair sticking out, and a black sweat band on.  Sometimes there’s a strategically placed fig leaf, other times it resembles a ken doll.  Either way you get the image.  When the person upsets me, I imagine them dancing.  The more absurd their actions are, the how absurd their movements are in their imaginary dance.

I am in an amazing sexy salsa dress, looking totally hot and graceful.  No matter how insane the Interpretive Wonder is dancing, I swiftly and sveltely anticipate their every move and counter with some magnificent step.

This visualization has helped me over come anxiety and anger and every other negative emotion.  Instead, I almost welcome their crazy (I said almost) because it means I get to challenge myself. Or just get a good laugh at the person’s expense.