The Blame Game

As with any divorcee, I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out what went wrong.  I mean there’s the obvious…The cheating, the lying etc.  But really, where did that start!?  Good relationships don’t end in cheating, so you assume there is an underlying problem.

What I have come up with, the most basic common denominator is, blame.  At any point, had either of us realized this and just let go of the blame, we may have been able to repair our marriage.

This is true for most problems.  If we just looked at the problem and tried to solve it, we wouldn’t have a problem, and we could  move on.

Instead we “fix” the problem with a band aide, but obsess about the remaining scar.  We blame ourselves, our ex, our in laws, the other woman, karma, the economic decline… Whatever.

I’m very removed from my divorce now, and in the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in.  The difference is stark.  There is no blame, no anger, no finger pointing.  If one of us had a problem, we state it, address it, apologize and move on.

My soon to be husband  and I had very similar marriages and learned a lot from them. Our exes, clearly haven’t learned as much.

Our exes both still blame us for the collapse.  They are both very angry still and have both had relationship after relationship fail for the same issues of blame and the ensuing anger.

I’m not claiming I didn’t blame, I made a rather large hobby of blaming my in laws… But the anger I felt while pursuing that hobby bothered me terribly.  I’d feel drained and sick after.

I’ve recently been exploringr Buddhism, and in buddhism they teach to let go.  To stop blaming.  And to practice meta.  The difference in how I feel is amazing.

There’s a rather amazing pariable about it.  A warrior was riding through the forest on his horse.  Along his ride he was shot with an arrow.  The doctors tried to remove the arrow and mend him, but the warrior refused treatment.  He insisted that they find the culprit before tending to him.  While the crew searched, the warrior bled to death.

I had a flair up this morning on the way in to work, I could feel the familiar blame and anger curling in my heart.   I immediately stopped the thoughts, and practiced some loving kindness and immediately relaxed.

I once read that by holding on to anger, you carry the person who wronged you’s karma.  That was incentive enough to work very hard at letting go of my anger.  It’s a work in progress, but I’m constantly reminding myself that whenI point   a finger, three are pointing back at me.

That really hits home, because it’s true.  When I blame… I’m being hurt 3x to that persons 1x.

Additionally, by constantly looking for someone to blame, you become the perpetual victim, with no ability to better your situation.  I’m sorry, but Id rather be the hero, not the damsel in distress.

I choose to look at each “disaster” as a blessing and think how much stronger I am for it.  Taking the heap of dung and tilling it into my garden so that I prosper from it.  Everyone else can carry the crap around in their pockets.

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The Illusion of Control

I’ve been journaling for 9 weeks now as part of The Artists Way by Julia Cameron.  This week I was told to re read all my morning pages.  I did as I was told, because I’ve learned she’s always right… Even when I think she’s wrong… And I was struck by what seemed so obvious, but had escaped me for so long.

I’m not in control of my life.  Whether I obsess or let go, things basically turn out the same.  Now of course, I am in control of my choices, so that I take the proper steps.  But I’m only able to control that small aspect of my life.  I can’t worry so much that it keeps things from happening, and I can’t attract things by just being positive… I have to just be.

Every morning page I OCD’d about money.  That didn’t gain me more money.  That didn’t pay my bills.  It did nothing but make me annoying to myself, and very likely, to my fiance.  If anything, it pushed away opportunity.  The law of attraction states that what ever you focus on expands.  So by stressing on money, I’m shown all sorts of ways that I lack money.

The pattern that emerged was that on mornings where I was up beat and positive, good days followed.  Good things happened.  On days where I was down and negative… Bad things happened… In other words, my perspective tinted the day.  But over all… My obsessing did nothing to change the the situations.

I have been listening to Ajahn Brahm talks on YouTube… He tells a great story about two chicken farmers.

One goes in to the coup and collects all the produce from the day before.  He fills his basket with all the chicken shit.  Takes it in to the house and leaves the eggs to spoil.  His family stays hungry and the house stinks.

The other farmer, goes in to the coup and collects the eggs, and then scoups the poop into his garden and tills it in.  His family had a wonderful breakfast, they sell the excess for cash and his garden does wonderfully.

In the end, you can only control what you choose to harvest from life.  Every day you have good and bad things happen.  These things just happen.  They aren’t precursors to the future.   They are portents.

If you choose to use everything you are handed , you are more likely to profit from all of it.  If you harvest the shit.. Well… Ewww

Sharing Sucks

I’m in a funk today.  My ex sprang an impromptu vacation on me which means instead of the normal weekend of not seeing my kids, it’s now extended another 3 days.  I’m used to seeing them 5-6 days a week so it’s killing me.

He didn’t have notice, so he’s not doing anything wrong…. Trust me, I’ve tried to make this his fault and make him a villain….he’s just spending time with the kids and that’s ok.  I passed sharing in kindergarten… I’m an oldest child… Doesn’t mean I like it.

I know I can use this as “me” time” but I miss them.

It’s funny because people who have never divorced think that the me time would be amazing.  That I should be glad I got out.  Fact is, I am very happy with where my life is now, but that doesn’t mean I don’t mourn what I thought my life would be…

I have come to the realization that “that” life never would have been a reality.  My ex never would have allowed us to live a drama free life. I’ve come to realize the vast majority of our problems were carefully orchestrated by him.

But sometimes I mourn that I will have to deal with him and his family for the rest of my life, and that I can’t protect my kids. I revel in the knowledge that my kids have two examples of lives they can choose to imitate.

But today I’m sad and that’s ok.  That’s why  going to sit on my couch with my cat and dog and watch trashy tv and not be productive.