As with any divorcee, I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out what went wrong. I mean there’s the obvious…The cheating, the lying etc. But really, where did that start!? Good relationships don’t end in cheating, so you assume there is an underlying problem.
What I have come up with, the most basic common denominator is, blame. At any point, had either of us realized this and just let go of the blame, we may have been able to repair our marriage.
This is true for most problems. If we just looked at the problem and tried to solve it, we wouldn’t have a problem, and we could move on.
Instead we “fix” the problem with a band aide, but obsess about the remaining scar. We blame ourselves, our ex, our in laws, the other woman, karma, the economic decline… Whatever.
I’m very removed from my divorce now, and in the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. The difference is stark. There is no blame, no anger, no finger pointing. If one of us had a problem, we state it, address it, apologize and move on.
My soon to be husband and I had very similar marriages and learned a lot from them. Our exes, clearly haven’t learned as much.
Our exes both still blame us for the collapse. They are both very angry still and have both had relationship after relationship fail for the same issues of blame and the ensuing anger.
I’m not claiming I didn’t blame, I made a rather large hobby of blaming my in laws… But the anger I felt while pursuing that hobby bothered me terribly. I’d feel drained and sick after.
I’ve recently been exploringr Buddhism, and in buddhism they teach to let go. To stop blaming. And to practice meta. The difference in how I feel is amazing.
There’s a rather amazing pariable about it. A warrior was riding through the forest on his horse. Along his ride he was shot with an arrow. The doctors tried to remove the arrow and mend him, but the warrior refused treatment. He insisted that they find the culprit before tending to him. While the crew searched, the warrior bled to death.
I had a flair up this morning on the way in to work, I could feel the familiar blame and anger curling in my heart. I immediately stopped the thoughts, and practiced some loving kindness and immediately relaxed.
I once read that by holding on to anger, you carry the person who wronged you’s karma. That was incentive enough to work very hard at letting go of my anger. It’s a work in progress, but I’m constantly reminding myself that whenI point a finger, three are pointing back at me.
That really hits home, because it’s true. When I blame… I’m being hurt 3x to that persons 1x.
Additionally, by constantly looking for someone to blame, you become the perpetual victim, with no ability to better your situation. I’m sorry, but Id rather be the hero, not the damsel in distress.
I choose to look at each “disaster” as a blessing and think how much stronger I am for it. Taking the heap of dung and tilling it into my garden so that I prosper from it. Everyone else can carry the crap around in their pockets.