Home is where the Mom is


I said this once to make myself feel better. My fiancĂ© felt worse.  So let me clarify.  Home is where the parent is.  And in my case my kids have two homes. I refuse to make them feel like they are visiting their dad.  

When we first divorced I realized how fragile my “mom title” was. If my ex wanted to hurt me, that was the button he pushed.  So that saying really did help, but it has evolved to where I am now.

Over time I realized, my kids think I’m crazy when I feel less than, due to the divorce.  As long as they are getting to sports and friends, they don’t care.  They don’t want to be with either of us 100% of the time.

I’m in no way saying that our divorce didn’t affect them, I’m saying, I think we actually did something right because they truly seem unphased.  I’ve taken them to therapy to be sure đŸ€Ł.

But what it comes down to is, parents are parents whether they are elbow deep in diapers, or sitting at happy hour.  

As a society, we have placed so much shame and guilt on divorced parents that it’s ridiculous.  I’ve had people guilt me because I started dating.  “Shouldn’t you be there for your kids more?!”  Uh… they are with their dad…. 

So here’s my proposal.  Anyone who judges needs to make sure they have never gotten a babysitter, never gotten away for an adult night and has never hid in the bathroom repeatedly counting to 10.  

If you can honestly say no to all this, then please come and watch my kids and dogs (I have 3 of each)so I can escape for a bit, because you are a better person than I am.
As for me, I refuse to live with guilt and shame because I couldn’t make it work with my kids dad.  I do not place blame on either of us (most of the time).  It didn’t work.  And it’s not up to anyone else to judge whether we tried hard enough.  I know we did.  The kids are fine, and that’s all that matters.

Neutral Friends


Ok.  So in general when you marry and divorce a narcissist the best answer is to just cut all ties. As unfair as that is, it’s usually essential.  In my case, all my friends were mutual friends.  So I cut some ties, pushed some friends behind my castle wall, and then 3 I allowed limited access inside.

These 3 usually prove that I made the right choice.  2 for sure.  The other 1 I am struggling with.

In the past I’ve told him some of the particularly horrid stuff my ex has done.  Because, he’s my friend, and I think he should know what’s going on.  Last night his FiancĂ©e told me he always would complain when I did that.  Saying it makes him uncomfortable. 

Normally, if I make someone uncomfortable I apologize.  And my immediate response was to do that.  Then I thought.  Wait.  FUCK that.  He should feel uncomfortable.  He refers to me as being his sister, and my ex being his brother.  Would he stand by any allow anyone to treat his blood siblings like this?  

My guess is no.  Or if he would, I don’t want him as a friend.

It really speaks to how we are as a society of you think about it.  We have gotten so PC that if anything makes our tummys feel funny, we hide.  Well, that’s not working.

If you see something that’s wrong, you need to act.  No, confrontation isn’t always the answer.  But sometimes it is.  In my case, my friend could make a huge impact by saying “dude, that’s not cool.  She’s your kids mom.  Get over yourself”. 

In the end, if he loses a friend, so he it, at least his friends will have morals.  Likely though, it would actually stop the bullshit, and help make things better.

Balance


This blog saved my sanity.  This was where I started changing the way I think and therefore my life.  I’ve been able to remove myself from situations and really decide the best path and what I want my message to be.

Now my wish is for the US to come together and speak to each other.  I have friends on Facebook, whom I agree with politically, who I’ve had to unfollow because of the amount of hate and anger they spew.  

The post statuses that seem as if they are an open debate, then she and her “friends” will gang up on any who don’t align perfectly to call them out until they realize how wrong they are.  Mind you these “idiots” aren’t wrong and are simply correcting her argument.

The problem is, this is exactly how politics got where they are.  Just because one group deems themselves right and advanced, doesn’t mean the other group is a bunch of Neanderthals, yet that’s what’s being portrayed.  

If you aren’t with them 100% you are against them 100%.  These people don’t seem to realize that screaming “you’re wrong”. Has never converted anyone.
It’s time for people to step down off their soap box.  It’s time for them to be open to LISTENING to those they disagree with.  They need to shut up and just listen.  Do not respond, argue or rebut.  Just seriously, shut the fuck up and listen.  You will be amazed at what you hear.

Listening to someone doesn’t mean you have to agree.  But it does help you understand, and that my friends is what we need right now.  We need to understand and heal.