What to do


So after getting back in to the swing of things at work, it’s clear that it’s not where I want to be.  I can totally do the job, but it’s defiantly not in my big picture.  The old annoyances and the pettiness is creeping back in.  What I was able to over look while excited for my wedding and honeymoon is now coming back and it’s clear I need a change. 

I would love to write full time, and I’d love a gig that incorporated writing and researching.  Let me be creative and grow my interests (there are many).  

But mostly I want a place where I can use all the lessons I’ve learned so that they aren’t in vein.  

While the honeymoon helped me see I love my life, I really see that I can’t become complacent and stay happy.  My life goes best when I’m writing out my thoughts.

I keep coming across articles on how to make blogging work for you.  I really need to seriously try.  No more half adding it.  No more getting on and off the wagon.  So.  I’m going to post this, then really put a plan in place to get myself on track.  Any advice is welcome 🙂

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Steps and Ex’s and remarriage, Oh My!


I’m getting remarried this weekend.  (Yay!!) and my fiance’s oldest two kids refuse to come.  We fully realize this has nothing to do with us or our relationship. It has to do with his ex refusing to acknowledge us.  She has repeatedly discounted our relationship as a sham, a lie and whatever else she can think of.  They have been separated for almost 9 years, divorced for almost as long.

My ex on the other hand, while certainly not pleased is silent on the matter.  I’m actually pretty proud of his ability to stay quiet about it.  We have been divorced for 3 years.

Getting remarried brings up all sorts of feelings and thoughts and fears.  Being a highly sensitive person I tend to put my self in the ex’s shoes a lot.  And here are the main things I’ve taken away….

1) No matter how healthy you are, it is hard to watch your ex move on.  

Let me explain this.  I like my ex’s girlfriend.  And I would like to think we could be friends if they marry.  But while I want his happiness and stability, a small part of me is afraid that him having a successful relationship means the problem was me.  I realize this isn’t rational.  

The take away? It wasn’t me, it wasn’t him… it was us. Too much crap and not dealt with well. But I’m a healthy adjusted person, so project this in to someone who isn’t, and you can see why my fiance’s ex refuses to see “us”. 

2) Fear the kids will like the step more. 

Of course they will.  The step doesn’t have the burden of raising functional adults.  I don’t care if my step son eats crap and plays video games all night.  I also don’t yell at him for not doing his homework.  All that is on my fiancĂ© and his mom.  I get to be the cool aunt.  I get to be the one who softens the blow by sneaking him cookies when his dad is hard on him.  But the role is reversed with my kids… 

The take away?  Being a parent is a far greater award than being the cool aunt/ step of an older child.  (This doesn’t apply to young kids).  Being a parent is heads and shoulders above this.  So, like with everything else, it’s a lot harder. 

But to a person with a severely damaged ego, the fear is real.  They may be the problem that ruined their marriage, and the step may replace them in their kids lives.

So…. what can we do as the step?  Nothing and everything.  

Reinforce to the kids the role of mom and dad.  Be clear what you want to see your role as.  I call my step son my red headed step child, but have stated I am in no way his mother.  My fiancĂ© has done the same for my kids.  We are the people they can come to when going to mom and dad is too hard.

Offer help and advice…. but only when asked. Just like your mother in law, the real parent may not want your input.  Your spouse will, but the other parent may not.  Accept that.  It’s ok.

And in the end.  If the bad behavior doesn’t affect you, don’t make it an issue.  

In this situation, His kids are adults and I’m not going to make them come to the wedding.  But I have told my fiancĂ© that we need to be clear to them that there are no hard feelings.

Reflection

I recently spent a week in Hawaii for my honeymoon.  It was amazing and eye opening. I realized some really cool things.

1) I realized I actually really like my life.  

All the stuff that annoyed me at home also annoyed me in HI.  I don’t like rude people, thoughtless people, or people who are totally unaware of their surroundings.  I haven’t quite figured out what this mirrors in me.  But I’m working on it.

2) I realized the simple things make me the happiest.

The shops and manicured beaches were fun, but when we rented a car and found a beach with beach glass and shells, I was in heaven.  

3) It doesn’t matter where you are as long as you love who you are with, including you. 

My husband and I were discussing how different the trip would have been with out ex’s.  I had actually been there with my ex so I knew first hand how different it would be.  My first trip to HI, I of course saw the beauty, but not on the scale I saw it this trip.  

4) Money isn’t everything.  

I’ve been so focused on finding a job that pays more, than I’ve overlooked what my job offers.  Lots of freedom and security.  This means I can make money to pay my bills, but focus on what I want to be when I grow up.  And my coworkers… they will support me in my endeavors.  That’s rare.

So in short, a week in paradise living WAY above my normal means showed me that more isn’t better.  That what I have is amazing, and that I just need to focus on doing what I love, the rest will fall in line. 

Journaling

I started journaling years ago.  I would religiously write at least three full pages a day.  I’d spew all my anger, frustration and anxiety out.  After each session, I’d feel better.  What I noticed though, was my problems weren’t going away.  Every day was the same rant.  

I re read my rants and realized the issue.  I was coming up with stuff to fill pages under the disguise of unblocking myself.

So.  I switched gears.  I bought myself a daily planner with blocks large enough to do a daily journal, but I was forced to be selective in what I wrote.  Because my planner tells me to have an amazing ridiculous day, I chose to write the things that make me happy each day. 

I put a heart as my bullet point and a short sentence.  I put starts for thoughts and issues, but try to keep them positive (i.e.. kids are fighting, real issue?) 

I re read them each week and carry my epiphany across on the header of the next week. I also do fun experiments via Pam Grouts books.  

What I’ve learned is that blessings beget blessings and problems beget problems.  

So, why write problems?  If I have an issue… I phrase it as a meditation question and since taking this approach, the answer usually comes before I’m done writing.  So I’ll write the answer down.

What I suggest is, spend 6 weeks spewing and ranting.  The re read.  Then spend 6 weeks with a blessings journal and watch your life transform 🙂

Home is where the Mom is


I said this once to make myself feel better. My fiancĂ© felt worse.  So let me clarify.  Home is where the parent is.  And in my case my kids have two homes. I refuse to make them feel like they are visiting their dad.  

When we first divorced I realized how fragile my “mom title” was. If my ex wanted to hurt me, that was the button he pushed.  So that saying really did help, but it has evolved to where I am now.

Over time I realized, my kids think I’m crazy when I feel less than, due to the divorce.  As long as they are getting to sports and friends, they don’t care.  They don’t want to be with either of us 100% of the time.

I’m in no way saying that our divorce didn’t affect them, I’m saying, I think we actually did something right because they truly seem unphased.  I’ve taken them to therapy to be sure 🤣.

But what it comes down to is, parents are parents whether they are elbow deep in diapers, or sitting at happy hour.  

As a society, we have placed so much shame and guilt on divorced parents that it’s ridiculous.  I’ve had people guilt me because I started dating.  “Shouldn’t you be there for your kids more?!”  Uh… they are with their dad…. 

So here’s my proposal.  Anyone who judges needs to make sure they have never gotten a babysitter, never gotten away for an adult night and has never hid in the bathroom repeatedly counting to 10.  

If you can honestly say no to all this, then please come and watch my kids and dogs (I have 3 of each)so I can escape for a bit, because you are a better person than I am.
As for me, I refuse to live with guilt and shame because I couldn’t make it work with my kids dad.  I do not place blame on either of us (most of the time).  It didn’t work.  And it’s not up to anyone else to judge whether we tried hard enough.  I know we did.  The kids are fine, and that’s all that matters.

Neutral Friends


Ok.  So in general when you marry and divorce a narcissist the best answer is to just cut all ties. As unfair as that is, it’s usually essential.  In my case, all my friends were mutual friends.  So I cut some ties, pushed some friends behind my castle wall, and then 3 I allowed limited access inside.

These 3 usually prove that I made the right choice.  2 for sure.  The other 1 I am struggling with.

In the past I’ve told him some of the particularly horrid stuff my ex has done.  Because, he’s my friend, and I think he should know what’s going on.  Last night his FiancĂ©e told me he always would complain when I did that.  Saying it makes him uncomfortable. 

Normally, if I make someone uncomfortable I apologize.  And my immediate response was to do that.  Then I thought.  Wait.  FUCK that.  He should feel uncomfortable.  He refers to me as being his sister, and my ex being his brother.  Would he stand by any allow anyone to treat his blood siblings like this?  

My guess is no.  Or if he would, I don’t want him as a friend.

It really speaks to how we are as a society of you think about it.  We have gotten so PC that if anything makes our tummys feel funny, we hide.  Well, that’s not working.

If you see something that’s wrong, you need to act.  No, confrontation isn’t always the answer.  But sometimes it is.  In my case, my friend could make a huge impact by saying “dude, that’s not cool.  She’s your kids mom.  Get over yourself”. 

In the end, if he loses a friend, so he it, at least his friends will have morals.  Likely though, it would actually stop the bullshit, and help make things better.

Divorce

I spent the first 4 months after my divorce crying uncontrollably at timehop.  Every pic brought back painful memories.  Luckily, my ex decided to become a colossal asshat and brought my memories back into reality. 

I’m not saying that I don’t feel bad that it didn’t work. My divorce will always be my biggest failure.  But from failure comes success. I learned where my faults were and what I needed to do to be better.  It forced me to take a long hard look at me, and gave me a blank slate on which to rebuild.  

Now, 3 years out, I absolutely love where I am.  

I realized yesterday that I’m able to look at my ex’s girlfriends and see good things, where as in the past I wanted to be better than them.  I can look at my ex and truly want him to find peace.  

Bitterness holds you and only you back from being happy.  Blaming the ex for ruining your life does nothing but keep you from growing.  Recognize your own faults.  And fix them.  Placing blame, no matter how satisfying, changes nothing.  

Clear the clutter of blame and unhappiness from your life.  Look at the blank piece of earth that’s left after all the weeds are gone, and plant something you love. 

Surrender/believe


I don’t know about you, but sometimes I’m guilty of overdoing it.  If life isn’t going the way I think, I pray, sage, meditate, do yoga, run and walk and drink water.  If some is good, more is better. Right?

Well, sure…. to a point.  It’s good to meditate and exercise regularly, but if you find yourself cutting out things you enjoy to make sure you cover every possible modality to improve your luck, you may be over doing it.  And worse, you are so focused on the “bad luck” you probably aren’t getting the most out of them.

It took me a bit, but I realized why work was bothering me so much.  I kept complaining about how much work we were doing on collections, without giving any time for checks to actually be mailed and clean up credits to be done.  There was so much emphasis on doing, that it created more work and rework.  

This was mirrored in my life in my frantic practice of sprituality.  Sounds ridiculous right?  Yet that’s exactly what was happening.  It started out innocently.  Donating, cleaning, researching.  But then it morphed in to an obsession.  I’d wake in the middle of the night realizing I’d forgotten to tap, or throw out the bowl of salt I’d left out to a absorb negativity.  

Guess what?  I was driving myself insane. I became more and more grumpy.  More frustrated when things didn’t go my way or how I had prayed.  

It came to me recently in a discussion with a group member.  I need to surrender.  It was then I realized… surrendering to the universe is similar to the message I have been receiving, which is “believe”.  I need to believe in me, that people want to help, and that everything will happen in time. 

I’ve done the leg work.  Now it’s time to do up keep, but mostly, enjoy the clarity that has come with all the spiritual and energy work.  Over doing spirituality is the same as under doing it.  It takes your focus out of the present moment. 

Believe, breathe and be.

Bullys

I just watched this video by Kristen Kusmic and I want to take it a step further.

Everyone is worried about Trumps win legitimizing hatred etc.  But in my opinion it gives us a chance to stand up and say “enough!”.  Who cares what the president or those in power say.  If it’s not right; stand up and speak your voice!  

It has never been ok to hate people for their views, the color of their skin or their sexual preference.  Whether we are “right” or not.  It’s not ok to bully people into feeling like they can’t say how they feel. 

The polls were way wrong because Trump supporters were scared.  This isn’t any better than people being scared for any other reason.  

We need to stop forcing our beliefs on others, making others feel bad, and realize that which we hate is a reflection of the parts of ourselves we are less than proud of.

We need to stand up against the person in the subway spouting racial slurs, and guide them to a place where they can grow.  At the very least we need to make their victims know they are not alone, and be glad we don’t live in the attackers head.

I know this is making a complex problem simple.  But if we step back from our anger and our ego and come from a place of love, isn’t that much more powerful, than screaming our point to the person screaming theirs?!  

I’m not saying you have to agree, but listen.  Understand what they are really saying, without waiting for your chance to anialate them verbally.  

Tears are a great form of detox


I have had a rough couple weeks.  Balling at work.  Not a tear prettily running down my cheek…. oh no…. hiccup crying…. ugly crying.  Why?  Because my boss is an asshole.

Now I love this man as a person.  I love the vision and am proud of what he’s done.  I’m proud of the charitable acts he’s done.  But when it comes to his employees…. he sucks.  

I asked for a raise.  Told me he couldn’t afford it, then hired someone to do some of my job at double my salary.  Not even the hard parts.  That person was a man…..  granted he’s now been fired… but that’s not the point.

I’ve realized that I accept “gifts” from the universe openly on things my mom used to help me with.  Relationships, real estate… friends.  But she never helped me with jobs.  Other than to tell my my dream jobs wouldn’t make much, she never asked a friend to help, never told me to go after my dreams, pushed me to get a job that got me off her balance sheet, regardless of how shitty the job was.

Now, I’m not blaming her.  From that, I learned to hustle and work my ass off. I didn’t feel entitled to promotions, or good jobs.  That shit was EARNED!!! But, it made me a people pleaser.  Which people like my boss take advantage off.

I’ve come to realize that I block help when itt comes to my career, and I’ve taken steps to stop that.  I’ve asked for referrals, I’ve used people as references and I have a second interview that is very promising.  I’m making progress.

But now that my eyes are open, I can’t handle this shit at work.  I can’t tolerate it anymore.  I’ve kept a stiff upper lip too long and the facade is cracking.  It may be too late, because now I seem insane.  But what the hell. Anything is better than having to meditate just to force yourself out of your car.