What to do


So after getting back in to the swing of things at work, it’s clear that it’s not where I want to be.  I can totally do the job, but it’s defiantly not in my big picture.  The old annoyances and the pettiness is creeping back in.  What I was able to over look while excited for my wedding and honeymoon is now coming back and it’s clear I need a change. 

I would love to write full time, and I’d love a gig that incorporated writing and researching.  Let me be creative and grow my interests (there are many).  

But mostly I want a place where I can use all the lessons I’ve learned so that they aren’t in vein.  

While the honeymoon helped me see I love my life, I really see that I can’t become complacent and stay happy.  My life goes best when I’m writing out my thoughts.

I keep coming across articles on how to make blogging work for you.  I really need to seriously try.  No more half adding it.  No more getting on and off the wagon.  So.  I’m going to post this, then really put a plan in place to get myself on track.  Any advice is welcome 🙂

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Over thinking

So every few months my ex likes to freak the kids out by looking at homes outside their school zone.  This gets them super upset and puts me on high alert mode.  His address is used for school zone based on the hours we work.  I work really early, he works later.  When we divorced, it never occurred to me this would matter.  Naive…..

This freak out session always leaves me wishing I had tougher it out until the kids were older.  That I had somehow worked some miracle so that their lives wouldn’t be so difficult.  

Today timehop gave me the gift of reality.  It had a picture of me 5 years ago where I look beyond exhausted.  My eyes look dead, I’m wrinkled and I look like the 50 year old version of my 34 year old self.  At the time it was a wake up call, and looking back it still is. 

I can’t stop him from freaking them out.  But legally he can’t change their schools without my permission. Given his work hours, he also depends on me to get them to practices etc on his days.  So moving far really isn’t in the cards.  Add in his work is in their school district and you get the idea… 

But between the picture, a slide show on exhausted moms and the meme above it’s made me realize….I couldn’t have toughed it out.  I don’t know what would have happened had I tried.

Steps and Ex’s and remarriage, Oh My!


I’m getting remarried this weekend.  (Yay!!) and my fiance’s oldest two kids refuse to come.  We fully realize this has nothing to do with us or our relationship. It has to do with his ex refusing to acknowledge us.  She has repeatedly discounted our relationship as a sham, a lie and whatever else she can think of.  They have been separated for almost 9 years, divorced for almost as long.

My ex on the other hand, while certainly not pleased is silent on the matter.  I’m actually pretty proud of his ability to stay quiet about it.  We have been divorced for 3 years.

Getting remarried brings up all sorts of feelings and thoughts and fears.  Being a highly sensitive person I tend to put my self in the ex’s shoes a lot.  And here are the main things I’ve taken away….

1) No matter how healthy you are, it is hard to watch your ex move on.  

Let me explain this.  I like my ex’s girlfriend.  And I would like to think we could be friends if they marry.  But while I want his happiness and stability, a small part of me is afraid that him having a successful relationship means the problem was me.  I realize this isn’t rational.  

The take away? It wasn’t me, it wasn’t him… it was us. Too much crap and not dealt with well. But I’m a healthy adjusted person, so project this in to someone who isn’t, and you can see why my fiance’s ex refuses to see “us”. 

2) Fear the kids will like the step more. 

Of course they will.  The step doesn’t have the burden of raising functional adults.  I don’t care if my step son eats crap and plays video games all night.  I also don’t yell at him for not doing his homework.  All that is on my fiancĂ© and his mom.  I get to be the cool aunt.  I get to be the one who softens the blow by sneaking him cookies when his dad is hard on him.  But the role is reversed with my kids… 

The take away?  Being a parent is a far greater award than being the cool aunt/ step of an older child.  (This doesn’t apply to young kids).  Being a parent is heads and shoulders above this.  So, like with everything else, it’s a lot harder. 

But to a person with a severely damaged ego, the fear is real.  They may be the problem that ruined their marriage, and the step may replace them in their kids lives.

So…. what can we do as the step?  Nothing and everything.  

Reinforce to the kids the role of mom and dad.  Be clear what you want to see your role as.  I call my step son my red headed step child, but have stated I am in no way his mother.  My fiancĂ© has done the same for my kids.  We are the people they can come to when going to mom and dad is too hard.

Offer help and advice…. but only when asked. Just like your mother in law, the real parent may not want your input.  Your spouse will, but the other parent may not.  Accept that.  It’s ok.

And in the end.  If the bad behavior doesn’t affect you, don’t make it an issue.  

In this situation, His kids are adults and I’m not going to make them come to the wedding.  But I have told my fiancĂ© that we need to be clear to them that there are no hard feelings.

Home is where the Mom is


I said this once to make myself feel better. My fiancĂ© felt worse.  So let me clarify.  Home is where the parent is.  And in my case my kids have two homes. I refuse to make them feel like they are visiting their dad.  

When we first divorced I realized how fragile my “mom title” was. If my ex wanted to hurt me, that was the button he pushed.  So that saying really did help, but it has evolved to where I am now.

Over time I realized, my kids think I’m crazy when I feel less than, due to the divorce.  As long as they are getting to sports and friends, they don’t care.  They don’t want to be with either of us 100% of the time.

I’m in no way saying that our divorce didn’t affect them, I’m saying, I think we actually did something right because they truly seem unphased.  I’ve taken them to therapy to be sure 🤣.

But what it comes down to is, parents are parents whether they are elbow deep in diapers, or sitting at happy hour.  

As a society, we have placed so much shame and guilt on divorced parents that it’s ridiculous.  I’ve had people guilt me because I started dating.  “Shouldn’t you be there for your kids more?!”  Uh… they are with their dad…. 

So here’s my proposal.  Anyone who judges needs to make sure they have never gotten a babysitter, never gotten away for an adult night and has never hid in the bathroom repeatedly counting to 10.  

If you can honestly say no to all this, then please come and watch my kids and dogs (I have 3 of each)so I can escape for a bit, because you are a better person than I am.
As for me, I refuse to live with guilt and shame because I couldn’t make it work with my kids dad.  I do not place blame on either of us (most of the time).  It didn’t work.  And it’s not up to anyone else to judge whether we tried hard enough.  I know we did.  The kids are fine, and that’s all that matters.

Neutral Friends


Ok.  So in general when you marry and divorce a narcissist the best answer is to just cut all ties. As unfair as that is, it’s usually essential.  In my case, all my friends were mutual friends.  So I cut some ties, pushed some friends behind my castle wall, and then 3 I allowed limited access inside.

These 3 usually prove that I made the right choice.  2 for sure.  The other 1 I am struggling with.

In the past I’ve told him some of the particularly horrid stuff my ex has done.  Because, he’s my friend, and I think he should know what’s going on.  Last night his FiancĂ©e told me he always would complain when I did that.  Saying it makes him uncomfortable. 

Normally, if I make someone uncomfortable I apologize.  And my immediate response was to do that.  Then I thought.  Wait.  FUCK that.  He should feel uncomfortable.  He refers to me as being his sister, and my ex being his brother.  Would he stand by any allow anyone to treat his blood siblings like this?  

My guess is no.  Or if he would, I don’t want him as a friend.

It really speaks to how we are as a society of you think about it.  We have gotten so PC that if anything makes our tummys feel funny, we hide.  Well, that’s not working.

If you see something that’s wrong, you need to act.  No, confrontation isn’t always the answer.  But sometimes it is.  In my case, my friend could make a huge impact by saying “dude, that’s not cool.  She’s your kids mom.  Get over yourself”. 

In the end, if he loses a friend, so he it, at least his friends will have morals.  Likely though, it would actually stop the bullshit, and help make things better.

Divorce

I spent the first 4 months after my divorce crying uncontrollably at timehop.  Every pic brought back painful memories.  Luckily, my ex decided to become a colossal asshat and brought my memories back into reality. 

I’m not saying that I don’t feel bad that it didn’t work. My divorce will always be my biggest failure.  But from failure comes success. I learned where my faults were and what I needed to do to be better.  It forced me to take a long hard look at me, and gave me a blank slate on which to rebuild.  

Now, 3 years out, I absolutely love where I am.  

I realized yesterday that I’m able to look at my ex’s girlfriends and see good things, where as in the past I wanted to be better than them.  I can look at my ex and truly want him to find peace.  

Bitterness holds you and only you back from being happy.  Blaming the ex for ruining your life does nothing but keep you from growing.  Recognize your own faults.  And fix them.  Placing blame, no matter how satisfying, changes nothing.  

Clear the clutter of blame and unhappiness from your life.  Look at the blank piece of earth that’s left after all the weeds are gone, and plant something you love. 

Surrender/believe


I don’t know about you, but sometimes I’m guilty of overdoing it.  If life isn’t going the way I think, I pray, sage, meditate, do yoga, run and walk and drink water.  If some is good, more is better. Right?

Well, sure…. to a point.  It’s good to meditate and exercise regularly, but if you find yourself cutting out things you enjoy to make sure you cover every possible modality to improve your luck, you may be over doing it.  And worse, you are so focused on the “bad luck” you probably aren’t getting the most out of them.

It took me a bit, but I realized why work was bothering me so much.  I kept complaining about how much work we were doing on collections, without giving any time for checks to actually be mailed and clean up credits to be done.  There was so much emphasis on doing, that it created more work and rework.  

This was mirrored in my life in my frantic practice of sprituality.  Sounds ridiculous right?  Yet that’s exactly what was happening.  It started out innocently.  Donating, cleaning, researching.  But then it morphed in to an obsession.  I’d wake in the middle of the night realizing I’d forgotten to tap, or throw out the bowl of salt I’d left out to a absorb negativity.  

Guess what?  I was driving myself insane. I became more and more grumpy.  More frustrated when things didn’t go my way or how I had prayed.  

It came to me recently in a discussion with a group member.  I need to surrender.  It was then I realized… surrendering to the universe is similar to the message I have been receiving, which is “believe”.  I need to believe in me, that people want to help, and that everything will happen in time. 

I’ve done the leg work.  Now it’s time to do up keep, but mostly, enjoy the clarity that has come with all the spiritual and energy work.  Over doing spirituality is the same as under doing it.  It takes your focus out of the present moment. 

Believe, breathe and be.

Relationship Goals, with your subconscious. 


I’m sitting in a detox bath listening to a guided Kundalini meditation relaxing all the negative thoughts I’ve had recently. I’ve been going through a lot of energy clearing and a massive life detox for the past couple years.

In this time I’ve divorced the man I was with for half my life, the father of my 3 kids. The person I thought was my other half.  

I’ve lost my mother to cancer a horrible disease.  Her death brought me to my knees,and helped me see everything clearly. 

Within two months of her death, 7 months after my separation/divorce, I met my fiancĂ©.  He held me together while I rebuilt my life from a bedrock foundation.  He has shown me my weaknesses and helped me strengthen them.

Since meeting him everything has fallen in to place easily.  I’ve had urges I couldn’t ignore that led me to a house I didn’t think I could buy and the knowledge that all I needed was faith to make it happen.  

This all happened in such quick succession that I didn’t have a chance to think.  My soul called for it and the universe delivered. Now I need a job that doesn’t make me want to cry on the daily.

I have a clear “if I try, I fail” mentality that I am having a hard time shedding.  I know it’s that I’m focusing on it too intensely.  I’m grasping tightly.  And I can’t seem to let go.

In my quest to let this burden smash to the ground, where it belongs, I’ve come across many lessons.  Mostly that I make up for this mentality by impulse buys.  Buy allowing my kids to think I don’t need help.  By allowing my ex to bully me in to doing tasks I really shouldn’t have to, while he skirts stuff he should.  But this isn’t about him.

This is about me covering my “if I try, I fail” mentality with the facade that I can do it all, alone.  His bully tactics have FORCED me to reach out to my loved ones for help.  And guess what, I got it.  

I’ve been forced to see my impulse spending for what it is, and since doing that, I no longer “want”.  

So now it’s time to let go of that stagnant mentality.  I can’t even remember the last time I failed.  I’ve learned many things, but I haven’t ever failed.  

So as I finish my guided meditation, listening to my fiancĂ© cheer on the Seahawks, I will use the mantra, “if I try, I succeed, when I try, I learn”.

Line Em Up!!!


This is so incredibly true. Because no matter how cruel the ex was, something in you allowed it.  

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m in NO way blaming you.  Not even a bit.  But look at it this way.  You are in control of everything in your life. Well, most things.  And you are absolutely in control of your reaction.

If someone treats you poorly, or pushes a boundary, you tell them so. But if you are in a relationship where boundaries are regularly blurred, and you stay, you need to ask yourself how that happened.  

Co dependence was my issue.  I was a people pleaser, a giver… my goal was to be perfect.  Well, now I’m divorced and definitely know I’m not perfect, and I’m blissfully happy.

So line up your ex’s.  What do you see?  Now look around you, at your life.  What do you dislike?  Likely, the two will give you massive clues to what is going on in your subconscious.  Once you know, you can work on fixing it.  And that, is an amazing amount of power to have. 

Digging up the past


I’m having to deal with the last nice thing my ex did for me.  Turns out it wasn’t so much nice.  And now it’s actually a nightmare to deal with.  This is bringing up odd feelings.

I tend to be upbeat and forgiving. But I’m being taken back to those times.  When I was terrified and confused.  

I went to Gabby Bernsteins website and did a few of her guided meditations and it helped a lot.  Then I saw a card reading by Doreen Virtue that said, in short, to thank God for fixing any problems I was having.  Because in reality they are already resolved, my fear is just holding me in the past. 

After meditating on this I really did feel better, and I had two solutions come to me.  

In the end, the more you fuss and worry, the bigger the problems seems.  It’s not unlike looking at a parasite under a microscope. No good comes from that.  

Take a step back, grab some medicated lotion and eradicate that microscopic bastard. Picking at the scabs only gives the parasite more opportunity.