I’m sitting in a detox bath listening to a guided Kundalini meditation relaxing all the negative thoughts I’ve had recently. I’ve been going through a lot of energy clearing and a massive life detox for the past couple years.
In this time I’ve divorced the man I was with for half my life, the father of my 3 kids. The person I thought was my other half.
I’ve lost my mother to cancer a horrible disease. Her death brought me to my knees,and helped me see everything clearly.
Within two months of her death, 7 months after my separation/divorce, I met my fiancé. He held me together while I rebuilt my life from a bedrock foundation. He has shown me my weaknesses and helped me strengthen them.
Since meeting him everything has fallen in to place easily. I’ve had urges I couldn’t ignore that led me to a house I didn’t think I could buy and the knowledge that all I needed was faith to make it happen.
This all happened in such quick succession that I didn’t have a chance to think. My soul called for it and the universe delivered. Now I need a job that doesn’t make me want to cry on the daily.
I have a clear “if I try, I fail” mentality that I am having a hard time shedding. I know it’s that I’m focusing on it too intensely. I’m grasping tightly. And I can’t seem to let go.
In my quest to let this burden smash to the ground, where it belongs, I’ve come across many lessons. Mostly that I make up for this mentality by impulse buys. Buy allowing my kids to think I don’t need help. By allowing my ex to bully me in to doing tasks I really shouldn’t have to, while he skirts stuff he should. But this isn’t about him.
This is about me covering my “if I try, I fail” mentality with the facade that I can do it all, alone. His bully tactics have FORCED me to reach out to my loved ones for help. And guess what, I got it.
I’ve been forced to see my impulse spending for what it is, and since doing that, I no longer “want”.
So now it’s time to let go of that stagnant mentality. I can’t even remember the last time I failed. I’ve learned many things, but I haven’t ever failed.
So as I finish my guided meditation, listening to my fiancé cheer on the Seahawks, I will use the mantra, “if I try, I succeed, when I try, I learn”.