What to do


So after getting back in to the swing of things at work, it’s clear that it’s not where I want to be.  I can totally do the job, but it’s defiantly not in my big picture.  The old annoyances and the pettiness is creeping back in.  What I was able to over look while excited for my wedding and honeymoon is now coming back and it’s clear I need a change. 

I would love to write full time, and I’d love a gig that incorporated writing and researching.  Let me be creative and grow my interests (there are many).  

But mostly I want a place where I can use all the lessons I’ve learned so that they aren’t in vein.  

While the honeymoon helped me see I love my life, I really see that I can’t become complacent and stay happy.  My life goes best when I’m writing out my thoughts.

I keep coming across articles on how to make blogging work for you.  I really need to seriously try.  No more half adding it.  No more getting on and off the wagon.  So.  I’m going to post this, then really put a plan in place to get myself on track.  Any advice is welcome 🙂

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Reflection

I recently spent a week in Hawaii for my honeymoon.  It was amazing and eye opening. I realized some really cool things.

1) I realized I actually really like my life.  

All the stuff that annoyed me at home also annoyed me in HI.  I don’t like rude people, thoughtless people, or people who are totally unaware of their surroundings.  I haven’t quite figured out what this mirrors in me.  But I’m working on it.

2) I realized the simple things make me the happiest.

The shops and manicured beaches were fun, but when we rented a car and found a beach with beach glass and shells, I was in heaven.  

3) It doesn’t matter where you are as long as you love who you are with, including you. 

My husband and I were discussing how different the trip would have been with out ex’s.  I had actually been there with my ex so I knew first hand how different it would be.  My first trip to HI, I of course saw the beauty, but not on the scale I saw it this trip.  

4) Money isn’t everything.  

I’ve been so focused on finding a job that pays more, than I’ve overlooked what my job offers.  Lots of freedom and security.  This means I can make money to pay my bills, but focus on what I want to be when I grow up.  And my coworkers… they will support me in my endeavors.  That’s rare.

So in short, a week in paradise living WAY above my normal means showed me that more isn’t better.  That what I have is amazing, and that I just need to focus on doing what I love, the rest will fall in line. 

Journaling

I started journaling years ago.  I would religiously write at least three full pages a day.  I’d spew all my anger, frustration and anxiety out.  After each session, I’d feel better.  What I noticed though, was my problems weren’t going away.  Every day was the same rant.  

I re read my rants and realized the issue.  I was coming up with stuff to fill pages under the disguise of unblocking myself.

So.  I switched gears.  I bought myself a daily planner with blocks large enough to do a daily journal, but I was forced to be selective in what I wrote.  Because my planner tells me to have an amazing ridiculous day, I chose to write the things that make me happy each day. 

I put a heart as my bullet point and a short sentence.  I put starts for thoughts and issues, but try to keep them positive (i.e.. kids are fighting, real issue?) 

I re read them each week and carry my epiphany across on the header of the next week. I also do fun experiments via Pam Grouts books.  

What I’ve learned is that blessings beget blessings and problems beget problems.  

So, why write problems?  If I have an issue… I phrase it as a meditation question and since taking this approach, the answer usually comes before I’m done writing.  So I’ll write the answer down.

What I suggest is, spend 6 weeks spewing and ranting.  The re read.  Then spend 6 weeks with a blessings journal and watch your life transform 🙂

Surrender/believe


I don’t know about you, but sometimes I’m guilty of overdoing it.  If life isn’t going the way I think, I pray, sage, meditate, do yoga, run and walk and drink water.  If some is good, more is better. Right?

Well, sure…. to a point.  It’s good to meditate and exercise regularly, but if you find yourself cutting out things you enjoy to make sure you cover every possible modality to improve your luck, you may be over doing it.  And worse, you are so focused on the “bad luck” you probably aren’t getting the most out of them.

It took me a bit, but I realized why work was bothering me so much.  I kept complaining about how much work we were doing on collections, without giving any time for checks to actually be mailed and clean up credits to be done.  There was so much emphasis on doing, that it created more work and rework.  

This was mirrored in my life in my frantic practice of sprituality.  Sounds ridiculous right?  Yet that’s exactly what was happening.  It started out innocently.  Donating, cleaning, researching.  But then it morphed in to an obsession.  I’d wake in the middle of the night realizing I’d forgotten to tap, or throw out the bowl of salt I’d left out to a absorb negativity.  

Guess what?  I was driving myself insane. I became more and more grumpy.  More frustrated when things didn’t go my way or how I had prayed.  

It came to me recently in a discussion with a group member.  I need to surrender.  It was then I realized… surrendering to the universe is similar to the message I have been receiving, which is “believe”.  I need to believe in me, that people want to help, and that everything will happen in time. 

I’ve done the leg work.  Now it’s time to do up keep, but mostly, enjoy the clarity that has come with all the spiritual and energy work.  Over doing spirituality is the same as under doing it.  It takes your focus out of the present moment. 

Believe, breathe and be.

Tears are a great form of detox


I have had a rough couple weeks.  Balling at work.  Not a tear prettily running down my cheek…. oh no…. hiccup crying…. ugly crying.  Why?  Because my boss is an asshole.

Now I love this man as a person.  I love the vision and am proud of what he’s done.  I’m proud of the charitable acts he’s done.  But when it comes to his employees…. he sucks.  

I asked for a raise.  Told me he couldn’t afford it, then hired someone to do some of my job at double my salary.  Not even the hard parts.  That person was a man…..  granted he’s now been fired… but that’s not the point.

I’ve realized that I accept “gifts” from the universe openly on things my mom used to help me with.  Relationships, real estate… friends.  But she never helped me with jobs.  Other than to tell my my dream jobs wouldn’t make much, she never asked a friend to help, never told me to go after my dreams, pushed me to get a job that got me off her balance sheet, regardless of how shitty the job was.

Now, I’m not blaming her.  From that, I learned to hustle and work my ass off. I didn’t feel entitled to promotions, or good jobs.  That shit was EARNED!!! But, it made me a people pleaser.  Which people like my boss take advantage off.

I’ve come to realize that I block help when itt comes to my career, and I’ve taken steps to stop that.  I’ve asked for referrals, I’ve used people as references and I have a second interview that is very promising.  I’m making progress.

But now that my eyes are open, I can’t handle this shit at work.  I can’t tolerate it anymore.  I’ve kept a stiff upper lip too long and the facade is cracking.  It may be too late, because now I seem insane.  But what the hell. Anything is better than having to meditate just to force yourself out of your car.

Relationship Goals, with your subconscious. 


I’m sitting in a detox bath listening to a guided Kundalini meditation relaxing all the negative thoughts I’ve had recently. I’ve been going through a lot of energy clearing and a massive life detox for the past couple years.

In this time I’ve divorced the man I was with for half my life, the father of my 3 kids. The person I thought was my other half.  

I’ve lost my mother to cancer a horrible disease.  Her death brought me to my knees,and helped me see everything clearly. 

Within two months of her death, 7 months after my separation/divorce, I met my fiancé.  He held me together while I rebuilt my life from a bedrock foundation.  He has shown me my weaknesses and helped me strengthen them.

Since meeting him everything has fallen in to place easily.  I’ve had urges I couldn’t ignore that led me to a house I didn’t think I could buy and the knowledge that all I needed was faith to make it happen.  

This all happened in such quick succession that I didn’t have a chance to think.  My soul called for it and the universe delivered. Now I need a job that doesn’t make me want to cry on the daily.

I have a clear “if I try, I fail” mentality that I am having a hard time shedding.  I know it’s that I’m focusing on it too intensely.  I’m grasping tightly.  And I can’t seem to let go.

In my quest to let this burden smash to the ground, where it belongs, I’ve come across many lessons.  Mostly that I make up for this mentality by impulse buys.  Buy allowing my kids to think I don’t need help.  By allowing my ex to bully me in to doing tasks I really shouldn’t have to, while he skirts stuff he should.  But this isn’t about him.

This is about me covering my “if I try, I fail” mentality with the facade that I can do it all, alone.  His bully tactics have FORCED me to reach out to my loved ones for help.  And guess what, I got it.  

I’ve been forced to see my impulse spending for what it is, and since doing that, I no longer “want”.  

So now it’s time to let go of that stagnant mentality.  I can’t even remember the last time I failed.  I’ve learned many things, but I haven’t ever failed.  

So as I finish my guided meditation, listening to my fiancé cheer on the Seahawks, I will use the mantra, “if I try, I succeed, when I try, I learn”.

Entitlement


I know people who think everything should be handed to them, and they are truly the most miserable people I know. Perpetually stuck in their victim mentality.  

I also know people who have never been handed anything in their life.  And they are the happiest.  Why?  Because they are not beholden to anyone, have faith in themselves, and know that the universe provides for them.

My parents did me the biggest favor by forcing me to ask for help.  They never just gave me anything.  I had to earn my allowance, and I had to have jobs when I was old enough.  

I was told exactly how much everything they provided was worth, and had to sit while they went over the budget.  As much as I wanted to use the paper to slit my wrists at the time, I’m now grateful for it.

I see kids who don’t think it’s necessary to pay grandparents back for the car they bought them, with the agreement they’d pay $50.00 a month and hold insurance.  Those same kids are now on their own, and have no integrity or idea how to pay their bills.

When you are handed everything it stunts your growth.  You don’t have to be creative with the ingredients in you pantry (FYI, allrecipes has an amazing part where you put what you have and it spits out dinner ideas).  

I see entitlement as a pair of handcuuffs.  A ball and chain around your neck.  Your life will be stunted if you only look to others for your needs. 

Everything you need in life is in you.  The amswers are all there.  You just need to ask.  And if you do it alone, no one can take that from you. 

Digging up the past


I’m having to deal with the last nice thing my ex did for me.  Turns out it wasn’t so much nice.  And now it’s actually a nightmare to deal with.  This is bringing up odd feelings.

I tend to be upbeat and forgiving. But I’m being taken back to those times.  When I was terrified and confused.  

I went to Gabby Bernsteins website and did a few of her guided meditations and it helped a lot.  Then I saw a card reading by Doreen Virtue that said, in short, to thank God for fixing any problems I was having.  Because in reality they are already resolved, my fear is just holding me in the past. 

After meditating on this I really did feel better, and I had two solutions come to me.  

In the end, the more you fuss and worry, the bigger the problems seems.  It’s not unlike looking at a parasite under a microscope. No good comes from that.  

Take a step back, grab some medicated lotion and eradicate that microscopic bastard. Picking at the scabs only gives the parasite more opportunity. 

Blah blah blah

That’s what my inner self is saying right now. It’s causing major moodiness and easy irritation.  Why?  Because it’s annoyed at the new story I’m trying to write.

Your subconscious mind isn’t unlike the friend who just wants to complain and not take any of your advice.  In fact, it’s exactly like that friend.  So how you deal with it, should be the same.  

Clearly, you can’t just divorce it and move to another state.  I mean you can try, but it will likely stalk you any way.  Kinda like that ex you can’t get rid of.

Instead you need to practice compassion and empathy.  And strengthen your boundaries.  

When you feel that mood coming on, say, “hey, I hear you, but we aren’t going to focus on that” then find 3 positives. 

Keep that “friend” in check, and don’t let it rain on your parade.  It will take time, but it will come around.  

I like to think the severity in mood shows how far I’ve actually come from my lowest.  I used to live in that place.  So instead of getting down that it’s a set back, see it for the mood it is, feed it a healthy breakfast and give it a pep talk.  

Fly


I had this message come to me twice today.  Once as this meme, and once in a video from Doreen Virtue I got a few days ago, but hadn’t had time to watch.  Two totally unrelated things.  Same message.

I can’t wait to see what comes.  

I’ve had multiple signs that I need to move forward with my dreams.  That I need to sit and truly decide what it is I want in my future.  

I’ve got my love, my amazing kids and the house that wraps me in warmth.  Now I need to find my purpose.

For 15 years it’s been raising my kids, and I haven’t regretted a second.  But, while that purpose will never be done, I see that everything I’ve gone through has pointed me in this direction.

I believe my purpose is to help people build themselves up from rock bottom.  

To find the hoarder who can’t tackle their full house, much less the emotions that go along and bring them light and freedom. 

To find the people who’ve been beaten down again and again and help them love themselves and be confident in that. To see that they are not victims, that, to quote Glinda, “Have had the power all along”.  

So, I’m going to do that. I’m going to fine tune this blog.  I’m going to figure out ways to get it out “there” and I’m going to live through example.