Reflection

I recently spent a week in Hawaii for my honeymoon.  It was amazing and eye opening. I realized some really cool things.

1) I realized I actually really like my life.  

All the stuff that annoyed me at home also annoyed me in HI.  I don’t like rude people, thoughtless people, or people who are totally unaware of their surroundings.  I haven’t quite figured out what this mirrors in me.  But I’m working on it.

2) I realized the simple things make me the happiest.

The shops and manicured beaches were fun, but when we rented a car and found a beach with beach glass and shells, I was in heaven.  

3) It doesn’t matter where you are as long as you love who you are with, including you. 

My husband and I were discussing how different the trip would have been with out ex’s.  I had actually been there with my ex so I knew first hand how different it would be.  My first trip to HI, I of course saw the beauty, but not on the scale I saw it this trip.  

4) Money isn’t everything.  

I’ve been so focused on finding a job that pays more, than I’ve overlooked what my job offers.  Lots of freedom and security.  This means I can make money to pay my bills, but focus on what I want to be when I grow up.  And my coworkers… they will support me in my endeavors.  That’s rare.

So in short, a week in paradise living WAY above my normal means showed me that more isn’t better.  That what I have is amazing, and that I just need to focus on doing what I love, the rest will fall in line. 

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Regret Nothing

I have a friend who enjoys rehashing my past imperfections.  She loves to delve in to how big of an ass my ex was and how I made a ton of bad decisions during the divorce and how, had I followed her advice things would be so much better.  She only does this when we are in group settings.  Always looking brilliant and like she could have saved me.  My excuses are made to seem weak, like I was.

Needless to say, I have backed away from this friend, and feel drained after every interaction.

I came to the realization today that all my decisions have led me to a very good place.  That I don’t regret trying and trying and always taking the high road.  I tried a civil divorce, and was lied and cheated out of some things, but the bottom line is that I’m out, and have everything that’s important to me.

I’ve vowed to myself that when this happens again, I’m going to tell her that those topics are closed and off limits.  That if she wants to rehash the past, to stick to hers.  I’m happy with my life and regret nothing.

That I’d rather spend as little energy and money as possible ruining others and as much as possible on bettering mine.

Knowledge vs Ignorance

Is ignorance bliss or is knowledge power?  As a huge fan of sticking my head in the sand, I used to think ignorance was the winner.  Lately, I’ve realized how wrong this is.

Sticking your head in the sand narrows your view, makes problems seem disproportionately bigger and makes you feel like the whole weight is on you.  Additionally, it allows a small mess to grow into a huge disaster.

I read an article about how prosperity follows energy, and water represents energy.  If thought of as a river, a small pebble won’t do anything, a boulder will just cause the water to change direction, but a dam can stop it in its tracks.  If stopped for long enough, the water becomes stagnant and devoid of life.  Eventually though, the water will over flow the dam.

I let my mind wander and realized I do this a lot.

In particular, I do this in relationships.  I let small problems build in to huge dams.

When doing this,believing in ignorance being bliss, you allow the dam builder to have control over placement and sturdiness.  This takes all control over your energy away from you, all because you don’t obtain the knowledge due to fear.

So take this chance to look at the things you’ve avoided.  Journaling, telling a friend a truth, asking for a raise, and do it.  If you want to stick your head in the sand, get on your boxing gloves and fight instead.

Time is Relative

My sister made a post yesterday about how it’s been 17 months since our mom died.   Since that time, she’s had a baby, lost a kidney to cancer and survived said cancer.  She was saying how it seems so long, yet really 17 months is nothing.

It feels like 3 lifetimes, yet I remember it like yesterday.

My daughter and I were talking about it.  Two years ago, I separated from my husband of 13 years.  We had dated for 4 years prior to marrying.  Looking back it feels like a different person contains those memories.

It’s exhausting to think about the spiral of emotions I’ve had since the separation.  The hope that we would reconcile, the realization it was broken, my moms death.  The information that comes out after a divorce.   A new baby, hearing my younger sister has cancer… And it could be hereditary. 

I have become a totally different person in the process.  More accurately, I found the person that had ceased to be a few years in to the marriage.

I’m working on not allowing my traumas these past couple years to take away my empathy for others.  It’s very simple  to say “at least you don’t have to deal with ……..).

I constantly remind myself that every persons battles are new for them.  That I don’t know every part of every story.

Of all the things I’ve lost, empathy is the one thing I will never let go of. Without empathy, I become a horrible person.

With that said, I have learned that judging others is the most destructive thing you can do to yourself.  It makes you more of a victim, more of a martyr, more of a jerk.

Instead, let your empathy strengthen you.  Let it help everyone to find the silver lining, or to know when nothing needs to be said and all that’s needed is a hug.

The Dance

My counselor suggested I read the Dance of Anger…. amazing book, totally think it is a book that we all have to read in high school.  It would make life SOOOO much easier.  It’s a break down of how to deal with difficult people.  It’s amazing and validated that I did things right, and then also gave me ideas to go further.

What I was able to do with this, is picture difficult people in my life doing an interprative dance.  Not a cool, inspired one… no… I’m imagining a certain person, in a nude unitard, with chest and back hair sticking out, and a black sweat band on.  Sometimes there’s a strategically placed fig leaf, other times it resembles a ken doll.  Either way you get the image.  When the person upsets me, I imagine them dancing.  The more absurd their actions are, the how absurd their movements are in their imaginary dance.

I am in an amazing sexy salsa dress, looking totally hot and graceful.  No matter how insane the Interpretive Wonder is dancing, I swiftly and sveltely anticipate their every move and counter with some magnificent step.

This visualization has helped me over come anxiety and anger and every other negative emotion.  Instead, I almost welcome their crazy (I said almost) because it means I get to challenge myself. Or just get a good laugh at the person’s expense.

When did I accept Crazy as Normal?

When did Crazy become Normal?


This blog used to state all the ways my ex wronged me, and how no one saw through his charm, and they blamed me as negative and blowing things out of proportion.  I realized this story was a way of keeping me in the victim role.  Yes, I had to write it.  I needed to see it all on paper.  But why hold on to it?  Why let that be the official story?  So I deleted it all.  It’s no longer the official story of my divorce.

What I learned is that I stick my head in the sand at the first sign of confrontation.  Self empowerment was something I could rally behind for others.  I was everyone else’s biggest fan. I was codependent.

I still am all these things, and that’s ok.  It’s what makes me, me. There is nothing wrong with any of it.  What is wrong is when I allow myself to become the victim in other people’s stories.  The abused martyr.

I knew I was sticking my head in the sand, I knew bad things were happening, and I knew I should stop them.  That’s on me.  I didn’t stop or speak up about any of it.  I let it happen.  Knowing that is owed.

I take responsibility for my inaction in every aspect of the demise of my marriage.  I take responsibility for not protecting myself in the divorce, because all I had to do was ask for help, it would have been given.  

Since getting out, I have been shown an unlimited amount of love and support.  I’ve been asked how someone like me could have allowed all that to happen, and I blamed the ex for being a bad person. I now want to change my answer to “I tried and tried and tried till I couldn’t, and then I tried again.  Yes, I made mistakes, but every single one led me to where I am now, and this is an awesome place to be.” 

I encourage you to do the same thing.  Take a look at your story and rewrite it in a way where you love where you are, and where you acknowledge every lesson and other as leading to this amazing space you are now inhabiting. 

Take the mask off your monster, pull back that curtain and be the badass you know you are. That miserable, cowering thing can’t hurt you.  And is likely just reacting from massive damage they’ve encountered in their life.  Be happy you don’t have to live in their space.  
 

 

 

Feung Shui Mind; find your authentic self

Feung Shui Your Inner Library

Have you ever noticed the happiest people aren’t “put together” and the most miserable people are?  I’ve been working on getting rid of stress. I’ve googled it, bought books, talked to people…  Every source says to de clutter. I don’t have clutter in my house, my house is always neat and tidy.  I’ve always know clutter brings stress so I’m vigilant in keeping my surroundings mindful.

All the items I have are meaningful and full of memories.  Yet, I was still experiencing stress.  Weird “bad luck” type stress.  I don’t necessarily believe in bad luck, but I do believe that there are different levels, like bus lines, and if you are bogged down you will be on the bad luck bus line.

Clutter, toxic relationships, negative feelings, all this can drag you to this dreaded line.  I began studying Buddhism and Feung Shui.  To maybe help me bring positivity to my life.

I then read something totally unrelated to feung shui.  It was saying how you need to revisit memories because when you are under stress you categorize them incorrectly.  It was like a light bulb went off.  I felt energized at the thoughts that started coming.

My thought is, what if we de clutter our mind? Make a conscious effort to visit memories, slowly, one at a time and really evaluate them.  It made the image of a mish mashed home library come to mind.  Memories, or in this scenario, books put in the shelves all haphazard.  Papers sticking out of books.  Books leaning awkwardly.  What if we went through our library, and de cluttered it.

At first it seemed easier to just shut the door to that room and actually clean my real life kitchen and re organize my clothes again.  But I realized.  I deserve the peace that will come with reorganizing my mental library will bring.

At first I had to really pry the memories out.  I had to dig. I had really locked some of them away.  It’s like going in to a library after an earthquake.  I’ve started reorganizing this and I can feel the stress melting away.

They didn’t come easy.  Some memories that I dismissed as nothing  were clearly catalysts for future events.

Others that seemed so huge at the time were clearly memories I just needed to throw away.  Like that McDonald’s receipt from the midnight snack I had three years ago and stuck in the book as a bookmark.  Just taking up space and making my library look unkempt.

The misplaced memories aren’t screaming to be found and the ones that were left to seem huge are nearly on the shelf.  I have a lot of work to do, but I really feel hopeful that if I consciously feung shui as I go I’ll have a much happier future.

I can feel my inner self come out.  It’s like I had shut my authentic self in to a little padded room to keep it safe.  I couldn’t handle the constant conditions and abuse so I shut it away.  Since I’ve started this decluttering project I have felt my authentic self come in to the light.  Stretch and blink it’s eyes.  It’s an amazing feeling.

I hope this blog helps others realize they can do it too.